Taryn Learns a Lesson Pt. 3

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Down the Mountain

Once I got to Starbucks, ordered my double shot espresso, and had some unrelated banter with the barista I had come to know (we both liked each other’s Dr. Martens boots), I sat down to try and make sense of what happened. I knew that I wasn’t going to get much work done because my nerves were rattled and my mind kept replaying the incident on a continuous loop. But the thing was, I was slated to leave in the morning, it was already 2 pm and I still had a laundry list of things I needed to accomplish. This wasn’t the time to deal with emotions, so naturally, I did what I do best, I disassociated from them and got to planning my next steps.

Getting Clinical

As someone who organically finds feelings to be a nuisance, setting them aside comes very easy for me. Seriously, if you have a crisis (not involving snakes), you’re going to want me around for the tough calls. That and I spent the last few years with an emotional vampire, so not acknowledging my feelings had also become a coping mechanism. Anyway, still ignoring his texts, I planned my exit strategy, deciding to clean and pack up the night before. This sounds practical, but I’m generally one that leaves that stuff to the last minute. But, in this case, I wanted to leave as early as possible because I just wanted to avoid him. As for the goodbye, I decided to pop in, with Abbey in tow, say a quick goodbye and leave. The good thing was he didn’t know where I was going next and I don’t have social media other than a Twitter account that’s collecting dust. After sorting out my things, I went to the store, got cleaning supplies, filled my tank, and went back up the mountain. There, I grabbed Abbey and made my way up to his apartment one last time, unannounced. If he was going to keep intruding on me, I figure I’d return the favor.

Jeepers Creepers

I knock on the door and he yells, “it’s open”. I remember being annoyed because I didn’t have such luxury to leave my door unlocked without feeling unsafe. Anyway, Abbey and I walk in, she begins to create distance between him and myself, of which he blatantly ignores. Before I can barely get out a hello, he hugs me again. This time, I jerked away harder, knowing that Abbey was there should anything get weird.

“I don’t like hugs,” I say firmly, with my arm out creating more distance.

“Ok, ok” he replies with his hands up.

His tone insinuates that I’m overreacting, but I don’t care. I was feeling pretty confident until I saw a white paper on his table. It was just a single white sheet of printing paper, but the only contents written on it was my name. My heart sank down to my shoes. The eeriness of the situation was getting the better of me and I wanted to be done with this. Plus Abbey was picking up on my discomfort and was holding an aggressive stance.

“I just wanted to pop in and say goodbye, so goodbye,” I say trying to not be creeped out by the paper.

“That’s it, you can’t stay? Well, it’s been nice getting to know you. Let’s keep in touch. Do you have an email address. We can write each other,” he says, rushing out the words.

That moment enraged me in the sense that I could tell he was still trying to assert some kind of bonding obligation. One, he doesn’t know me, we had 2 dumb conversations. Two, I always hated how he kept rushing conversation, not leaving anytime to process or think about what he’s saying. Still, the white paper was staring back at me and I just wanted to be done.

So I rattle off my email address and tell him my father is expecting my call. Abbey, who is now on full alert, steps in front of him as he tried to go for another hug. Again, Abbey is the MVP and she will forever get bacon treats from me, but only occasionally because human food makes her believe she’s pack leader and she becomes too cool for her food or obedience. Anyway, we head down to the condo, I turn on the game (Raptors v. Bucks), and get to packing.

You’re probably wondering why I went up to say goodbye. It was to get some distance in interaction. I knew that if I didn’t stop by, he’d probably come to my condor, or manufacture another “random” encounter in the hallway. I just didn’t want to deal with either of those options. Feeling a little better, as there was 12 hours left of me being in this prison, I text my dad and joke about the experience, saying that I’d be free soon enough. He texts me a video of him and my oldest nephew using hover boards. I laugh and the video puts me at ease. I hear a ping from my computer and I realize that it’s my email. I click to view, thinking it might be a client, it was Brett.

I seriously had left his condo 15 minutes prior, so why the need to email, ugh. In there email, there was only one sentence, “I will keep in touch.” I quickly delete it and turn back to the game. I’m not letting him take up any more of my time or space. My phone then buzzes, I pick it up, thinking it’s my dad. Nope, by now I’m sure you’ve guessed it, it was Bret.

“Go Raptors!” It said, which made my blood run cold. I didn’t tell him I was watching the game and his condo is one floor up and on the other side, so there was no way he could hear my television. At this point, I felt so unnerved and destabilized because I couldn’t rationalize my way out of this. I had no logical explanation for the text and I did not want to pontificate why or how he knew what I was doing. I shake off the feeling, block his number from my phone, check to make sure that my front door is locked and dead bolted, and continue with the game.

The Next Morning

I slept horribly, maybe an hour, but when 5 am hit, I jumped out of bed to start the last for chores I had. The place I was staying was an Airbnb and they had made an exception for Abbey, so I wanted to make sure the place was left in pristine condition. Everything was fine, except that every single little noise or closing of a door just sent chills down my spine. It got so bad that Abbey was just as agitated, barking at each noise. She’s not a naturally mouthy dog, but I knew she could tell how uneasy I was. Anyway I finished cleaning, put Abbey in the car, and went back to do one last look over. As I was leaving in the stairwell, I could hear steps behind me, so I quickened my pace. In my rush, I dropped a can of Febreeze, but I was in such a panic, I did not care. I get to my car, and try to hop in and then I hear someone call my name. It was Roger, the caretaker. Feeling like an idiot, I did a neighborly wave. He handed me the air freshener container and wished me well on my travels.

Out of Sight, in my mind

As I made my way down the winding mountain, I could not help but feel a great sense of relief. I call my mom— who had asked for an update on my departure— and I made a few jokes about the experience. I tend to use humor to distill my complex emotions. Logically, I’d never have to see Brett again. But, what I didn’t understand and would later find out, was that emotional processing needed occur before I could put this experience to bed.

To be continued…

The story so far

Hi all!

It’s been a minute, I know. That said, much has happened over that last few months– a whole lot of good, some meh, but I wouldn’t change a thing!

I woke up

I’ll be honest, when I first moved back to California, the transition was TOUGH. It was the first time in years that I couldn’t hide behind family/work/friend obligations to excuse my lack of “living” so to speak. I was in a brand new city, which meant I had a lot of time to myself to think. Finally, I realized that I didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror and slowly started to change.

I learned how to use my brain

I’ve been considered gifted since I was a child, but I never fully understood what that meant or that it affects how I live. I just thought I was a weirdo because my ideas were so drastically different than those around me. When I was a kid, I was just so terrified of thinking differently than my peers, that I spent a crap-ton of time analyzing people; how they thought, how they talked, their emotional responses, and what they were interested in/etc, just to fit in. If I could describe it, I felt (and still feel) like a robot trying to understand human emotions. Once I realized that the “feelings” I felt were projections of those around me, it changed the game completely! For instance, I love thinking in concepts and how it impacts the world around me.

I prefer to think logically

This is a weird balance for me as I’m both logical and emotional. It’s a balance that I’m working on but I tend to stick with my logic when dealing with myself and I’ll be more emotional with others. For example, I honestly don’t care what I wear, as I find that it’s a waste of brain power (at least for me). I recognize that it’s an art form or way of life for others, and completely respect that. But for me, a t-shirt and jeans are just fine. In fact, if the world wouldn’t lock me up, I’d wear the same thing everyday. Really, I’d prefer to run around in my boy shorts, but indecent exposure and all of that jazz, lol. My thought process is that of efficiency. If it doesn’t stimulate my mind in some way, I don’t value it. Which brings me to my next point, which has also gotten me into a lot of trouble as of late.

Feelings are feelings, not dogma

Somewhere down the child-rearing line, we’ve been taught that feelings are so deep and precious, almost to a fault. One of the biggest things I’ve come to realize for myself, is that though I’m a sensitive being (somewhere on the highly sensitive person spectrum), I don’t put much stock in them as they’re unreliable and irrational. Those who are close to me have said I’ve become cold, but that couldn’t be further from the truth! I feel and empathize greatly. That said, I acknowledge those feelings and allow them to pass. When I held onto every feeling I had, it was maddening! So, just to be clear, I’m not saying feelings are a bad thing. On the contrary, they’re wonderful, but you need to keep them in perspective.

I quit being lazy

One of the first things I discovered was that, I wasn’t depressed, I was lazy. That may sound harsh, but it’s true. It’s true, we have emotions, that said, we can control how we react to said emotions. Instead of sitting around trying to numb myself, I began to volunteer, help others, and work on creative projects. Also, being outside and surrounded by nature is just such a great feeling for me! I’m more inclined to go for a walk or hike than anything else at this point. Interestingly enough, I found that I had an abundance of energy and emotional satisfaction that I had to give up caffeine!

I love tea and I’m hyperactive!!!!

My final experiment (which caused me to drop 60 pounds in 2 months), was giving up caffeine/surgery energy drinks. The detox period was terrible, but what I discovered is that I’m naturally hyper (apparently being gifted and ADHD goes hand in hand). I wake up around 4:30 every morning, walk 5-8 miles with Abbey and then I start my day. I can’t tell you how TREMENDOUS this has been for my mind. In my head, I have about 18 TV screens that focus on different aspects of my life. I blame my parents as they’re both gifted in their own right (Dad: musical genius, Mom: literary genius). It’s no wonder my mind is INSANE! Growing up, my house was constantly filled with music (all my siblings and I play multiple instruments), books, and intellectual/critical thinking conversations, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised on how I think.

Sometimes the world is wrong

I think for me, and those who are like me, living according to what the world expects is just not possible. I can’t work in a 9-5 setting because I complete office tasks within a quarter of the timeframe, and sitting around doing nothing is like Hell on Earth for me. Further, I think more in a compartmentalized manner, which is usually a trait ascribed to men. I don’t participate in a lot of “girly things” and would much rather be involved in my thoughts and projects rather than anything else.  This is frustrating as it leads to me being misunderstood (i.e. cold or obtuse). But meh, I’m working on it. As I venture out into the world with a better sense of who I am and how I operate, life is so much more fun!

What’s next?

I’ll still try and blog from time to time, but I find that I don’t like talking about myself all that much. I will, however, be blogging about freelancing and how to navigate that world a lot more on another site I have. I’m currently reworking it, so be on the lookout for an update come Monday!

 

Back from the…

ok, I get it- I suck at blogging regularly.

Hello friends! I have been busy… with life! While I can’t pour my heart and soul into this post, I’ll give you a few quick bullet points on the life of Taryn as of late. Continue reading “Back from the…”

Waves of Change

I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉 Continue reading “Waves of Change”

Strategic Sunday: Terminal Uniqueness

Greetings!

Here I am, returning from the shadows of obscurity. It’s been quite a while. A lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. That was my hipster way of saying that I’ve been running in circles waiting for the sky to fall these last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great achievements, and I’ve had some learning moments.

Terminal Uniqueness 

First, I’d like to say that no, I’m not a recovering alcoholic (though my mom seems to think so, more on that later). That said, the term “terminal uniqueness”– which is commonly referred to in A.A.– is the belief that the situation the individual is facing is unlike anything faced by other people. Now, if I’m being honest, when I go to my mopey “all hope is lost” place, I tend to think my “isms” are soooo different than what everyone else is facing.

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I mean obviously, no one could possibly understand my life. 2 parents that are still married who are unconditionally supportive of their daughter, friends that care, and a career that is gaining speed? Sheesh, the horror.

As I venture out into the world, I am reminded that my road has been traveled and I don’t have to go it alone. I’m coming to the understanding that I’m not a special little snowflake, and I’m finding comfort in the fact that I’m more human than I give myself credit. Now I am tasked with the pesky chore of connecting with my fellow humans. I’m a little rusty, but I’m working on it!

What’s Next…

So, I’m getting back into the blogging swing of things and I have a bunch of goodies to share. I had an epic 26th birthday in October, killed it in freelance writing in terms of earnings in the last 2 months, I’m “taking pride in my appearance” (again, more on that later), and volunteering at the library. In a nutshell, I’m back! So get ready, because I mean it this time! Happy Sunday!

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Strategic Sunday Pt. ???: Back From the Dead

Why hello there!

After not blogging for about 6 weeks, I am finally making a resurgence. In the spirit of transparency, I’ve been allowing life to throw me around mercilessly, causing everything to transform into a giant snowball that has left me to retreat under my covers and avoid everything at all costs. Fortunately, I break that cycle today.

Don’t worry, it hasn’t all been chaos and conspiracy theories. Life has treated me well, I’m just working on the coping and “rolling with the punches part”. I’ve also come to realize that I missed blogging, as it helps me stay balanced– so here I am– getting back to the basics.

This week: I’ll be posting some funny updates about my shenanigans and my freelancing work (spoiler alert: it’s been crazy! In a good way though). So sit back and enjoy, because I’m back! Happy Sunday!

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                              Via: Pinterest

I cannot be trusted…

…to keep my word on consistently blogging.

I promise you that it’s not intentional. There are days where my fingers effortlessly gloss over my keys, writing carefully thought out prose for you to happily ingest (those are my narcissist days). On the flip side, I have my days where my ego is shot, I’m moody, and hopelessly confused on what it is that I want to share with the world (I attribute this to shitty eating, lack of sleep, and misspending of funds).

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I have a tendency of being hot or cold emotionally. I’m either all or nothing– which makes for inconsistent everything. Of course there’s no magic pill that will magically make me super organized (unless you know of one, then please share the love!). I will say that I am making the conscientious effort to change my ways. “Evolve or die” is my new motto for both life and work. While I make no promises on how quickly I conform to this new found perspective, rest assured that I will do my best to keep you entertained with my latest shenanigans. But, just in case you get your hopes up, see the photo below. 😉

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P.S. I started using Tinder again… stay tuned! 🙂