I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉 Continue reading “Waves of Change”
Here I am, returning from the shadows of obscurity. It’s been quite a while. A lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. That was my hipster way of saying that I’ve been running in circles waiting for the sky to fall these last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great achievements, and I’ve had some learning moments.
First, I’d like to say that no, I’m not a recovering alcoholic (though my mom seems to think so, more on that later). That said, the term “terminal uniqueness”– which is commonly referred to in A.A.– is the belief that the situation the individual is facing is unlike anything faced by other people. Now, if I’m being honest, when I go to my mopey “all hope is lost” place, I tend to think my “isms” are soooo different than what everyone else is facing.
I mean obviously, no one could possibly understand my life. 2 parents that are still married who are unconditionally supportive of their daughter, friends that care, and a career that is gaining speed? Sheesh, the horror.
As I venture out into the world, I am reminded that my road has been traveled and I don’t have to go it alone. I’m coming to the understanding that I’m not a special little snowflake, and I’m finding comfort in the fact that I’m more human than I give myself credit. Now I am tasked with the pesky chore of connecting with my fellow humans. I’m a little rusty, but I’m working on it!
So, I’m getting back into the blogging swing of things and I have a bunch of goodies to share. I had an epic 26th birthday in October, killed it in freelance writing in terms of earnings in the last 2 months, I’m “taking pride in my appearance” (again, more on that later), and volunteering at the library. In a nutshell, I’m back! So get ready, because I mean it this time! Happy Sunday!
Earlier today, I stumbled across an album that meant a great deal to me circa 2005. Upon playing it, I transcended time and was shot back to the days where I was around 15/16. Continue reading “I’m not a teenager anymore”
I’m enjoying my last day here in Santa Barbara. It has been an incredibly relaxing and restorative adventure; plus hanging out with my best friend is awesome in of in itself. Now that she’s a mom (with another on the way), it’s safe to say the dynamic of our activities has changed drastically. Continue reading “Babies, Brunch, and an Art Walk”
It’s a term we swing around so loosely, but, does one actually live their lives without any regrets?
This morning I was finally unpacking (I moved, more on that later), and I had Pandora blaring my “A Tribe Called Quest” station (90s Hip Hop or bust!). Bobbing my head while organizing my life, things were going swell. That is, until 93 til’ infinity started playing, and all hell broke loose. On a side note, if you don’t know who Souls of Mischief are, you must go to youtube and search the above mentioned song, it’s legit.
Anywho, the first time I had ever heard that song was about 3-4 years ago when I was attending university in Flagstaff, AZ. I worked at the Student Tech Center on campus and had bosses who had great tastes in music. One day, Trey, my supervisor and I were going on and on about 90s hip hop and he happened to play 93 til’ infinity and I absolutely fell in love with the song. In fact, those years I really developed a stronger love for the genre which I still have to this day.
So where does the regret come to play? Well, when I first started going to NAU, I HATED it. It was a massive culture shock. Trapped in the mountains with a bunch of hippy dippy nature people, I was so out of my element. You see, I am somewhat of an escape artist. One of the perks of living in Southern California is that if you get bored of your scenery, you can escape to somewhere new within a 2 hour radius. In Flagstaff, that was not the case. Tack on a passive aggressive roommate who only communicated by post it notes, my “home life” resembled the Cold War/ Cuban Missile Crisis.
Being the persnickety person that I am, within the first few months, I already started planning my escape. I knew that I only had to be there for 2 years, I decided to keep myself at an emotional distance from others. You can’t miss anything/anyone you don’t know, right? Well after the first 6 months, things did get better. I started making friends, going out, and creating a pseudo-life, with everything still, at an arm’s length away. Hell, even my graduation was a “wham bam thank you ma’am” spectacle. I literally walked, bought chipotle, then dusted out of town with my family. My parents were pretty incredulous at my indifference and lack of emotion at this point. Seriously, I left Flagstaff a half hour after my graduation with the intention of never going back again (sidenote: I’ve been back a handful of times now).
So, what am I getting at here? Well, you know those pseudo-friends/life I was telling you about? It turns out they may have meant more to me than I initially realized. When 93 til’ infinity started playing through my speakers, I’ll be honest, I didn’t remember the title of the song or the artist. I just remembered how it made me feel. 3 years of buried feelings just started pouring out. I felt of blend of nostalgia, pain, regret, sadness, and a tinge of happiness shoot through me all at once, and rather intensely I might add. How could a song, that I vaguely remember bring back so much unresolved feelings? Music is strange in that way I suppose.
In spite of my first crappy few months away at school, I really did enjoy my time there. The people at the STC were my friends, dare I say my family. Spending my weekends at school trading music jams with my colleagues are some of my best memories ever. I fooled myself into thinking that I could just cut out that part of my life and soldier on, but that’s not the way life works. In short, I regret how I handled things. I regret that I didn’t invest more emotionally. I regret that I didn’t really say goodbye or feel the loss of leaving Flagstaff. I feel regret.
Obviously I can’t turn back the hands of time, however, I can learn from my mistakes. I struggle at letting people into my little bubble, but I have made strides of improvement. There is a bigger feeling fulfillment when I legitimately connect with others. It’s scary with the vulnerability that I am allowing, but it’s a better feeling than listening to a song that rips you to a time of unresolved feelings.
I can’t change the past, but I can change how I react in my future. My goal is to really connect and enjoy moments when they happen as they are. When you spend your time looking for the next adventure, you could be downplaying something beautiful that is happening right in front of you.
Why is it, that whenever you make great strides in the right direction, there is almost always someone there trying to drag you down? It is so frustrating! These past 3 months, I’ve changed so much and for the better. I’ve eliminated so much unnecessary stress it’s crazy and yet, here I am pissed about things I cannot control. I should add that usually when I get my feathers ruffled it swings me into an emotional whirlwind. Externally, you can’t see it, but internally I’m at odds and I hate it. I loathe conflict to the nth degree and will typically bend until harmony is restored. I will fall on the sword even when it’s not my fault just to end the conflict. Well, I’ve changed. I should probably explain how I came to be this way.
When you go through events that make you understand how previous behaviors don’t work, they change you. Like you’ve stretched your brain and have grown to the point where you can’t turn back and become who you once were.Yes, I have changed. Gone are the days where I play martyr because I don’t want people to be mad at me. If they’re mad, so be it. No longer will I get so bent out of shape that I disrupt my balance because of someone else. I feel like I’ve lived my life for others for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to just be content with myself.
Being the middle child, I’ve always felt the need to go my own way and was fiercely independent. It’s funny how death changes you. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 18 and became painfully aware of mortality and that we are all on this earth for a limited amount of time. So much so that I changed from being that independent kid to being a pillar for my family because I thought they needed it. I made more sacrifices than most kids that age and matured a lot more than necessary. I didn’t make the typical teenage mistakes and I’ve always been careful. Well, being careful is lame and I don’t want to act like I’m 45 anymore.
One of the many reasons why I decided to become a bum was the fact that I started identifying with 40+ years old rather than people in their early 20s. It was then, I realized that something was very wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being mature, but I certainly don’t want to be 55 regretting that I was so in my head that I didn’t allow myself to be young. Nobody likes a 55 year old in a tube top ;-). I’ve started putting me first and it’s been a great experience. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. in 4 weeks, I’m not nearly as anxious, and I’m doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time. So there’s no way that I’m going to let external factors ruin my newfound autonomy.
So to recap my little rant, I’m working to let go of things that are out of my control. No point in stressing if you can’t change the outcome. Screw being a doormat, it’s no fun and nobody deserves to be one. So don’t push me because I’m pushing back. Be happy with yourself for yourself. I’ve learned that happiness comes from within and if you’re trying to get it from someone else, chances are they will disappoint you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just we aren’t perfect so to keep that expectation on someone is not fair by any means. Now with that all said and done, I plan on conquering this life while I still can. Cheers to the weekend! Oh and I also saw Divergent this morning, they did a great job, I highly recommend it. 🙂
Looking back on the changes I’ve made in the last 9 weeks, I’m nearly a completely different person, both mentally and physically. Since my descent into bumhood, I am the most physically and socially active that I have been in about 2 years. My clothes fit a lot better and I even got the seal of approval from the rents when they came into town this weekend. I think I have dissuaded any doubt of mental illness from their minds ;-). Not only that, but I haven’t been stressed and hiding in my room for so long that I cannot recall the last time I did. The one thing I am a little bummed about is that my morning routine has cut my “no pants” time down significantly (I can’t be outside without pants unfortunately). Bottom line is, that I’ve changed. I’ve also come to the conclusion that everyone is capable of change, but on their own timeline.
I’ll admit that I was the type to try and change people, for the better of course. You meet someone and you think, “I’ll make them my project”, or “if only I can get them to see the light”. Well, the real deal is that it’s not up to you to change others. In order for a person to change or grow, they have to want it. It’s like the saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”; the same goes for people. Good intentions aren’t good enough, it’s up to them. As for me, it was up to me to decide to make myself happy and motivate myself to make the changes to make that happen. So far, so good! I’m very excited to see what this change has in store for me next!
Since having to give back my company car and leaving mine in California (I refuse to register my vehicle in Nevada), I am a bonafide pedestrian. Up until last week, this was a welcomed change since I was absolutely tired of driving, plus my sister lets me borrow her car if I need to go somewhere far. All of my life’s necessities are in walking distance (Starbucks is .44 miles and the dog park 2.2 roundtrip). Also, I’m fortunate to have found friends who are in total support of my bum life so they cart me around if necessary. The weather right now could not be more perfect so Abbey and I have been exploring the outdoors everyday. Things could not be more perfect until they aren’t.
As of last week both Starbucks and the dog park that Abbey and I frequent are under renovation. Like seriously, what are the odds of that happening and why is life so cruel?!! Since I live in one of the newer suburbs of Vegas, there’s not a hubhub of coffee shops around for my choosing. I was disappointed about the dog park as it was more of a work out for Abbey than myself. So instead of acting like the chick in Rumpelstiltskin and crying when shit got real, I decided to find an alternative to my usual ventures. One of the coolest things I enjoy about where I live are the paved sidewalks. It’s like a pedestrian’s dream! So instead of taking Abbey to the dog park, I just lengthened our walks. 3 miles in the morning, and about a mile nightcap before bed.
-Tired pup after walking all over the world…err well, Vegas
As for the coffee shop dilemma, that was a little tougher. Not only did Starbucks quench my caffeine junkie soul, it’s where I get my human interaction. So not going for a week was making me a little restless for human conversation. Since I knew the next nearest Starbucks was about 5 miles away from my house, I was going to have to go with another one. I should also mention that I totally support local businesses so I figure me going to a local coffee shop would be killing two birds with one stone. Alas, after a quick Google search, I found the perfect place called Perk Up. It was 2 miles away and a straight shot from my house, so those amazingly paved sidewalks would come in handy. So today, I made the trek to the coffee shop.
Since I’m like a walking pro, it only took me 38 minutes with a heavy backpack. Once I entered the coffee shop, I knew I had come to the right place. The music was legit and the place was absolutely adorable! I loved the color scheme and decor. It definitely put out the “sit down and write” kind of vibe. I even had the barista recommend me a drink. It was called the Lunch Date which was a chocolate and strawberry iced latte. Not my kind of thing but hey, I tried something new.
-The Lunch Date
Perk Up has all that I look for in a coffee shop and it was a little cheaper than my beloved Starbucks. This will be my new hangout until my usually hangout is done, and who knows, maybe it’ll be added in the rotation. I’m very glad that I ventured out of my normal radius and found this place. Who knows what other shenanigans I can get into if I keep expanding my horizons. 😉
-I absolutely love the color scheme
-A shot from the entrance
-View from my seat.
I’m trying to enjoy a rare day off and for some reason, I am stuck in frozen mode. You know that anxious feeling you get when you know you have things to do but for some reason you just cannot move? Well that’s me currently. Even though I’m current on my “to do lists”, I still feel a bit overwhelmed. This whole “adult” thing is still new and a lot to process.
I will admit that I tend to be a wait for the “other shoe to drop”, type of person so at times it is difficult for me to accept that everything is O.K. and to live in the moment. I suppose I’ve been in “overcoming bad shit” mode for so long, I’m scared to enjoy the good. So, to get out of this lame mindset, I’m going to keep telling myself that it is O.K. to enjoy what life has to offer. And, if “bad shit” comes my way, I can deal. For the moment, I’m going to enjoy the good. 🙂