It’s been over 4 weeks since my last entry. A lot has happened… like me witnessing an old lady taking a sh*t in the forest.
I’m not kidding!! I saw EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!! I am now in desperate need of therapy or that Men in Black tool that makes you forget, lol.
I fulfilled my final bridesmaid obligation at my friend’s wedding! AND, it didn’t end up with me blackout drunk accosting a groomsman… (one day I will find the words to tell that story… one day)
I finished up my time in Big Bear. Made my way to Glen Ellen (near Napa), and now am chilling in a hipster coffee shop in Eugene.
Ready to set the world on fire
Somewhere in between watching an old lady poop in public and when a police officer illegally towed my car and stole my legally purchased car tags (more on that later…), a lot of my old characteristics began to resurface, with memories and ideas I had long ago.
Long story short, it’s been nice to resurrect parts of me. I suppose I spent so much time in survival mode, I shut down to just get through it. Now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’m back in full effect! That and I realized that my vacation from my appearance needs to DIE. I’ve been putting the HOME in homely for some time now. I’m 29, not 92, though you wouldn’t know it based on my oversized knit sweaters and old lady garb.
I’ll be perusing Eugene today and a little bit tomorrow, then it’s on to Seattle for a month! I’ll be updating photos and all that jazz regularly, promise! Anywho, here are some farewell photos of Big Bear Lake. On to the next adventure!
I’m going, to be frank, this past year has been a total shitshow; for better (totally!), and for worse.
I’ve experienced a ton of growth, but not without having to go through some very extreme losses. I suppose this is what the good Lord meant by pruning. Without getting into the specifics, this year has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve learned about my good habits, my bad habits, and the habits that well, we’re gladly abandoning.
The really cool thing about going through messed up situations is that it teaches you about perspective. Funnily enough, even though I’ve learned some painful lessons, lost some relationships that I thought were on solid ground, etc. I can’t help but thank God for the experience.
Ok, I swear I’m not crazy or a masochist, but this year has taught me sooooo much, I would be a fool to consider it anything else but a blessing. Which leads me to explain why I’m finally back on my little blog.
Same weirdo, new direction
In light of my new outlook, I’ve decided to abandon my sense of normalcy and hit the road. I’ve gone AWOL. I figure since my parents are out of the country, there’s no one to protest my departure from the norm. That said, Abbey and I are going to take some time to travel around the US. Currently, we are in Big Bear Lake recovering from matrimonial hell (more on that later). My goal for my travels is to learn new things, try stuff that normally makes me uncomfortable, and finish these dang novels that have been percolating in my brains for SO LONG!!! This isn’t one of those I’m going to “find” myself trips. I know who I am, I just really want to explore before I get too old and hate myself for not doing anything scary. Also, hence the name change of this blog. 😉
Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. Stay tuned for more shenanigans. In the meantime, here are some photos of my trip so far. Cheers!
I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉 Continue reading “Waves of Change”→
Why is it, that whenever you make great strides in the right direction, there is almost always someone there trying to drag you down? It is so frustrating! These past 3 months, I’ve changed so much and for the better. I’ve eliminated so much unnecessary stress it’s crazy and yet, here I am pissed about things I cannot control. I should add that usually when I get my feathers ruffled it swings me into an emotional whirlwind. Externally, you can’t see it, but internally I’m at odds and I hate it. I loathe conflict to the nth degree and will typically bend until harmony is restored. I will fall on the sword even when it’s not my fault just to end the conflict. Well, I’ve changed. I should probably explain how I came to be this way.
When you go through events that make you understand how previous behaviors don’t work, they change you. Like you’ve stretched your brain and have grown to the point where you can’t turn back and become who you once were.Yes, I have changed. Gone are the days where I play martyr because I don’t want people to be mad at me. If they’re mad, so be it. No longer will I get so bent out of shape that I disrupt my balance because of someone else. I feel like I’ve lived my life for others for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to just be content with myself.
Being the middle child, I’ve always felt the need to go my own way and was fiercely independent. It’s funny how death changes you. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 18 and became painfully aware of mortality and that we are all on this earth for a limited amount of time. So much so that I changed from being that independent kid to being a pillar for my family because I thought they needed it. I made more sacrifices than most kids that age and matured a lot more than necessary. I didn’t make the typical teenage mistakes and I’ve always been careful. Well, being careful is lame and I don’t want to act like I’m 45 anymore.
One of the many reasons why I decided to become a bum was the fact that I started identifying with 40+ years old rather than people in their early 20s. It was then, I realized that something was very wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being mature, but I certainly don’t want to be 55 regretting that I was so in my head that I didn’t allow myself to be young. Nobody likes a 55 year old in a tube top ;-). I’ve started putting me first and it’s been a great experience. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. in 4 weeks, I’m not nearly as anxious, and I’m doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time. So there’s no way that I’m going to let external factors ruin my newfound autonomy.
So to recap my little rant, I’m working to let go of things that are out of my control. No point in stressing if you can’t change the outcome. Screw being a doormat, it’s no fun and nobody deserves to be one. So don’t push me because I’m pushing back. Be happy with yourself for yourself. I’ve learned that happiness comes from within and if you’re trying to get it from someone else, chances are they will disappoint you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just we aren’t perfect so to keep that expectation on someone is not fair by any means. Now with that all said and done, I plan on conquering this life while I still can. Cheers to the weekend! Oh and I also saw Divergent this morning, they did a great job, I highly recommend it. 🙂
Looking back on the changes I’ve made in the last 9 weeks, I’m nearly a completely different person, both mentally and physically. Since my descent into bumhood, I am the most physically and socially active that I have been in about 2 years. My clothes fit a lot better and I even got the seal of approval from the rents when they came into town this weekend. I think I have dissuaded any doubt of mental illness from their minds ;-). Not only that, but I haven’t been stressed and hiding in my room for so long that I cannot recall the last time I did. The one thing I am a little bummed about is that my morning routine has cut my “no pants” time down significantly (I can’t be outside without pants unfortunately). Bottom line is, that I’ve changed. I’ve also come to the conclusion that everyone is capable of change, but on their own timeline.
I’ll admit that I was the type to try and change people, for the better of course. You meet someone and you think, “I’ll make them my project”, or “if only I can get them to see the light”. Well, the real deal is that it’s not up to you to change others. In order for a person to change or grow, they have to want it. It’s like the saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”; the same goes for people. Good intentions aren’t good enough, it’s up to them. As for me, it was up to me to decide to make myself happy and motivate myself to make the changes to make that happen. So far, so good! I’m very excited to see what this change has in store for me next!
Maintaining relationships be it familial, friendly, or love related, is tough business! You have to be able to check your egos at the door and really put some effort into it if you want them to succeed. I will admit that I have a pretty big ego; after all if your peers keep telling you “how mature” you are, chances are you’ll start believing the hype. You can kind of say that I became the Justin Bieber of maturity (I.E. so high off my own hype that I act like I’m 5). On a side note, can you really blame the kid? A society that pretty much made him a deity before his balls dropped, and now we have the audacity to point and say he’s entitled? I guess everyone thought that through… Anyway back to my ridiculousness.
Today, I’ve learned that I need to dig deep and go to uncomfortable places to learn and grow among people. Far too quickly, I tend to cut people off and move on before the nitty gritty substance of how humans sustain meaningful connections come into play. The lesson that I learned today is that though I thought I was the epitome of awesomeness at communication and how things are supposed to be worked out, I still have some work to do. Therein lies the problem when one (in this case I) believes that they have learned all there is to know on what makes coexisting with others harmonious. Living/existing with others takes work and the ability to keep growing through experiences. The takeaway is that we never stop learning. The moment we think we know it all is the day we’re not evolving within our relationships. Stay inquisitive, my friends!